Monday, October 7, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Gift of the Magi Undone
About a year and a half ago the husband and I spent some time in marriage counseling. As an introduction, the husband told our counselor we have an atypical marriage- that emotionally, he is more like the woman and I am more like the man. It was the truth: I am not the sort of person who needs constant affirmations of love, but the husband will lie in bed crying if I forget to kiss him goodnight. It's not that I don't care- I do try. But I am a true introvert, and my love for him has morphed and cooled over 23 years. I love and care for him as I should- he is my partner, my lover, and a fellow human being- and I conduct myself accordingly.
As far as our marriage goes, I have stood by my commitment in the toughest times, even when the husband's angry 24/7 ranting and suffocating possessiveness would have driven away anyone else. I stayed exactly where I am and kept my hands to myself even when I had serious feelings for another (my only faltering being that I had private conversations on purely innocent subjects with this person without the husband's knowledge or consent). My commitment is, and always has been, steadfast. Sticking by my commitment is a willed act of love That should mean everything, yet the husband habitually threatens that my commitment is not enough to hold him- that if I don't yearn for him, fawn over him and fill his ears with sappy sentiments and endearing whispers of romance- that he will just get to the point where he feels forced to get it somewhere else. I maintain that, for me to behave the way he requires, would be insincere.
Last night the husband shared with me that he had a couple interactions with a young woman who works at the dealership where he bought his vehicle. Apparently she "showed an interest" in him by talking with him the first time he met her and then remembering details of the conversation at the second meeting. He clearly stated that it was an interest he would entertain if he felt he needed it. Hmmm... The fact is, this wouldn't be the first time he pursued another woman for his pleasure. Nineteen years ago he got caught up in the interest of a neighbor, which was brought to my attention by the fact that her husband sent the police to call him off. I am confident that things didn't go as far as they could have, but he definitely violated some serious family parameters.
I am amazed and somewhat amused at how he validates his folly by asserting that my unyielding commitment is not enough to keep him faithful, while I have spent years sacrificing what makes me happy to stick by my commitment.
We truly are from different planets.
As far as our marriage goes, I have stood by my commitment in the toughest times, even when the husband's angry 24/7 ranting and suffocating possessiveness would have driven away anyone else. I stayed exactly where I am and kept my hands to myself even when I had serious feelings for another (my only faltering being that I had private conversations on purely innocent subjects with this person without the husband's knowledge or consent). My commitment is, and always has been, steadfast. Sticking by my commitment is a willed act of love That should mean everything, yet the husband habitually threatens that my commitment is not enough to hold him- that if I don't yearn for him, fawn over him and fill his ears with sappy sentiments and endearing whispers of romance- that he will just get to the point where he feels forced to get it somewhere else. I maintain that, for me to behave the way he requires, would be insincere.
Last night the husband shared with me that he had a couple interactions with a young woman who works at the dealership where he bought his vehicle. Apparently she "showed an interest" in him by talking with him the first time he met her and then remembering details of the conversation at the second meeting. He clearly stated that it was an interest he would entertain if he felt he needed it. Hmmm... The fact is, this wouldn't be the first time he pursued another woman for his pleasure. Nineteen years ago he got caught up in the interest of a neighbor, which was brought to my attention by the fact that her husband sent the police to call him off. I am confident that things didn't go as far as they could have, but he definitely violated some serious family parameters.
I am amazed and somewhat amused at how he validates his folly by asserting that my unyielding commitment is not enough to keep him faithful, while I have spent years sacrificing what makes me happy to stick by my commitment.
We truly are from different planets.
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